after so many days of not blogging, i kindof got abit hands itchy but brain rusty.. the following was what i had edited from a play "The coffin is too big for the hole".
i was expecting for a great role play for this, but it turns out the opposite way. no matter what, hope you guys would enjoy reading it though!
hmm.. brain rusty, damn.. forgot how i usually blog.. nvm.. read this.. the portion in grey was given to us while the orange part was edited by us.
Extract of “The Coffin Is Too Big For The Hole” by Kuo Pao Kun
I don’t know why, but it keeps coming back to me. This dream. Every time I get frustrated, it comes back to me.
It’s the funeral. My grandfather’s.
We were all at the cemetery. All my folks – my wife, my kids, my brothers, sisters, my cousins and their kids. There were so many people that I couldn’t even say for sure who was a relative and who wasn’t.
You see, my folks started drifting apart when they got married, one after the other. Grandfather was very cross at first, about the breaking up of the extended family.
You see, there were so many rooms in our house. It could accommodate at least fifty people. But when he died, there was only my family still living there – and the two old servants who had been with him from more than fifty years ago.
Yeah, the funeral.
You see, the coffin was too big. It was so big we had to hire sixteen coolies to carry it from the funeral coach to the grave.
But the problem was not so much the weight although it was very heavy all right. It was so damn heavy that the sixteen of them nearly dropped it to the ground when they got it off the coach. And we men from the family had to rush over to save it.
You don’t want the coffin to crash down. I’m, sure you understand that. What if the thing gets busted open, right there in front of all the people?
There were at least two hundred of them there, I don’t know who most of them were. But I just had this feeling that most of them didn’t really belong to the family. I had a feeling that we were being watched. I don’t know why, but looking back, I still feel that way. Being watched.
Anyway, we saved the coffin from crashing down and prevented the possibility of the thing getting busted open. Then the lot of us carried the damn thing to the grave.
As we carried, we were cursing inside why grandfather had to get such a heavy solid thing and why the damn coolies were not strong enough to bear it. No wonder, you know. Most of them were opium addicts and just out there to make a fast buck when a coffin needed carrying. I’m sure they didn’t know this was going to be a real heavy thing.
But we were feeling proud too. I did, anyway. I mean, how many people had a grandfather who enjoyed the honour of getting buried in such a rare, refined, solid, polished, grand and heavy coffin?
I’m sure many had got the news about the specialness of the coffin and went to see just that.
Yeah, I remember some of them were carrying cameras.
Yeah! Come to think of it, I remember they were clicking away when we were biting our lips trying to keep the damn thing off the ground.
But, as I said, the problem was not so much the weight. It was the size. It was big. Unusually big.
We knew that all along. But we never knew it was so big that it wouldn’t get into the hole!
Yeah, can you imagine? Can you imagine that the coffin of your grandfather cannot get into the hole specially dug for him on the day of his funeral? And in front of two hundred people?
We were speechless. We were literally stunned. We just stood there and looked at each other.
Nobody said a word. It must have been the funniest thing that had ever happened in the entire funeral history of mankind.
You invested so much time and money and energy and emotions in a grand funeral that two hundred people had come to see and what happens? The coffin won’t get into the grave because the hole was too small – or the coffin was too big. Anyway, they didn’t fit. They didn’t fit!
So we stood there. We looked at the coffin. We looked at the hole. We looked at each other. All the crying suddenly stopped. But no one dared to laugh. Mind you, if you were a member of the family, how can you laugh?
I mean, if this is your father, your grandfather or your granduncle getting buried and his coffin won’t fit into the grave, what do you do about it?
You take him out and dump him into the hole without the coffin? You bring the coffin back with his body and go bury it in some other cemetery? Or do you come another day when the hole is made bigger?
You see, it’s serious. You can’t laugh. You just can’t! I felt more like crying!
You see, I’m the eldest grandson and I was in charge there since my father and his brother had all gone before my grandfather.
You see, I was the head of the family. How can I cry? I had to do something!
I sat down and trying to think hard with the noises behind me. What can I do? What should I do? I recklessly took out my handphone and browse through the myriad phone numbers stored in my handphone trying to search for help.
As I scroll through the every single names in it, I finally realize that those people I knew, so called friends, couldn’t really rely on. Eventually, I saw the name of the grave digger’s and decide to give her a call.
Mdm Funeral: Hi, Mdm Funeral speaking!
ME: Hey! I found out that the hole for my grandfather’s coffin was way too small! I demand for an immediate hole expansion!
Mdm Funeral: I’m sorry sir, but as according to the government, the size of the hole is fixed!
ME: I don’t give a damn! What do you expect? Just place the coffin on the ground unburied?
Mdm F: I’m really…
ME: No buts! No if!
Mdm F: ok sir, I repeat! THE SIZE IS FIXED!!!!
(she hung up the phone)
The noise behind grew louder, everyone struggling to voice out their suggestion while the “spectators” were speaking among themselves as if it’s nobodies business. Those voices, supposedly irritating, has turned out to be filtered through my ears.
I tried to calm down and walk forward to the coffin, those flashes of lights from the camera had almost blinded me. I thought I saw an illuminated figure standing beside the coffin, I must have been too tired after my brain juice was depleted. I continued heading towards the coffin where the others were carrying.
Some groups of people came shouting from a few meters away, the sound was fading before it reaches my ear, however I heard something that rhythms with Wong or wrong. I tilted my head back and realise that another coffin was carried over but this time, it’s smaller although still quite big. As the crowd approached us, somehow, I realise that… the coffins were mixed up by mistake.
*ring ring*
Wait, the phone is ringing. The sounds seems to be coming from… there! The extra, mega, big coffin!!
The crowd was shocked, and I’m no exception. One of the guy went closer to the coffin and… pushed the lid. I was stunned. The phone rang for the 2nd time.
The guy stretched his hand into it and took out something, the handphone.
Guy: hi, I’m from the funeral parlour. I left my handphone inside here and somehow got the coffins mixed up.. *embarrassed*
This time, we managed to burry the coffin. Finally…
Posted by 壁虎 at 10:19:00 PM
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